"Proud"

Last week, on Tuesday, I finished my master's degree. Holy hot damn - what a train wreck! When we calculated my due date 9 months ago, I knew this last month of school would be insane. I was right. After an all-nighter on Monday and a long day of class/work on Tuesday I thought I might die. But I made it, and Norah? She slept 5 hour stretches for the very first time, allowing me an almost full night of sleep.

The craziest part of it all is everyone that keeps coming up to me and saying how amazing I am for doing it all. I feel uncomfortable, but at the same time, I'm trying to be proud of myself. It wasn't easy. Only taking two weeks off after having a baby is less than ideal. Physically, mentally, emotionally I still needed to be in yoga pants on the couch. But that just wasn't in the cards. Part of me feels like I could have saved myself a lot of stress by getting papers and assignment completed ahead of time, and that because I didn't do that I don't deserve the kudos.

That's the joke right? We push and push and find success but we still don't feel like enough for ourselves? I am trying REALLY hard to recognize my accomplishments and pat myself on the back. I grew a baby for 9 long months. I endured constant nausea for 25 weeks, bladder infections, low blood pressure, low iron, and 7 days of contractions - I did all that while going to class/working, mothering a 2.5 year old (that weighs 36 pounds) and trying to actively participate in my marriage. We bought a house, moved, made this house a home... When I type it all out it feels like a lot. But it also sounds like I'm looking for pity... or something like it. None of this felt like it earned me a "badge of honor". It felt like living through the choices that I made.

I'm proud that I have my master's degree. It is the "step one" to having the career that I want and I am happy and excited (a little nervous too) about the future and where that aspect of my life is going. I also know that it will make me a better wife and mom because I will have this area of my life that fulfills me and fires me up individually and separately from my family.

It was a BIG year. It was exciting and crazy and absolutely flew by! I cannot believe it's over. I cannot believe that Norah is here, that graduation is on Friday, or even that summer is right around the corner. I'm taking this week to relax and rejuvenate. Next week we will settle into a new normal and start making a routine - but for now, I'm just going to watch E!, hold my baby, and work on feeling proud that we survived this crazy year.

Dear Norah

The moment I found out you were a girl my head began to spin. The things I want to teach you about life, love, and womanhood - I don't know where to begin. Despite the struggles that come along with it, I am so proud and joyful to be a woman. How lucky am I to create, grow, and bring life into this world? The memories I treasure most in my life are the moments I welcomed first your brother, then you, into existence.

I know that being a mom to you will be different than being a mom to Jack. I feel the weight of responsibility and welcome the challenges of teaching you to see the world through a womanly lens. I am excited for you. The dreams you will dream and the life you will build will be so beautiful! I hope that I can give you all the confidence, love, and passion you will need to tackle this world with enthusiasm and grace. 

I have been thinking of words that I want to say, for you and for me. I feel called to tell my story, as who I am now and who I am growing to be. I hope to share the stories of other women. I want to collect these stories for you. I want to inspire you, to provide you with support and insight and understanding. 

Oh how I love you so, my little Norah Belle. One month old and you already bring me so much joy! Today, when I finally decided to create this space, I held you in my arms and soaked in your sweet new-ness. I just know this life together, with you, is going to be so much fun.